By now, you know I am a working mom. I am a special education teacher. Being a teacher is a huge part of my identity, it is more than what I do, it is part of who I am. Other than a mermaid (which I still want to be!) I have never wanted to have any other career. My students mean the world for me and I love each of them dearly and the people I work with are like family. I even have a work wife! I LOVE my job. I can’t imagine my life without being a teacher. In fact, this post has been sitting in the draft folder for several weeks because I was afraid people would read the title and get the wrong idea. What if people thought i didn’t love what I do? So, that is why I feel the need to explain why I love my job, but not going to work.
You may be asking yourself how can that be? How can you love a job, but hate going to work? Aren’t they are the same thing?
No. No, they aren’t. My job, the act of being a teacher, the working with kids the collaborating with other teachers and learning from them every day, I love that.
Watching children learn and teach each other, and adults (they teach us the most important lessons) gives life to my soul. Working with children with disabilities and seeing them find their strengths and join in with the children in their classes always makes me smile. I could go on and on. Yes, there are things I would change like long meetings and high teacher-student ratios and I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that sometimes I would love work in a quite office, but in general, it is amazing. So then, why do I hate going to work?
If you are a mom, most especially a working mom, you may know the answer. The truth is, as much as I love my job, I love my time with my little guy more. My time with him on the weekends and in the evenings goes far to fast. It seems like one minute it’s Friday night and I am picking him up from daycare and then I blink and it is Sunday night at bed time. As much as I enjoy my time with my students at school, I can’t help but feel like I am missing things with L.
I am super lucky, our daycare provider Mary sends me texts all day with updates, and twice a week L is with my MIL in the afternoons and she also sends me updates and photos. But sometimes, it is like a I am looking through a window and witnessing his life as an onlooker during the week.
Monday mornings are the worst. Waking up after an amazing weekend to pack up my heart up into his car seat and drop him off with someone else (even though I adore her) while I head off to staff meeting kills me a little every time. This time of year is always hard at school. The kids go kinda crazy in anticipation of spring break and it makes for really long weeks.
Lately, it has been really hard to get out of the house in the mornings. Not because of the actual act of getting up (though a few more minutes of sleep would be glorious) but the idea of leaving my smiling happy boy just gets to me. I am not sure how he became a morning person, goodness knows Steve and I are not, but he is. He gets up each morning smiling and happy. He runs and plays and chats away as we get ready to leave. I just want to stay home and play with him, or take him to a play date or the library, anything other than leaving him.
I am not sure I could be a stay at home mom. It takes a lot of work and dedication to be a stay at home mom and to be honest, I’m just not sure I would be able to do it. I enjoy being a working mom because I do love my job and I would miss it terribly if I didn’t have it. But I would be lying if I didn’t say there are days when I want nothing more than to quit and be home with L full time. I think of the fun we could have and the snuggles I would get and my hear skips a beat. Maybe one day…
Am I the only one that feels this way? Are you a working mom, do you ever feel this way too?
Peace and Love,